i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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