Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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