Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
