My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
