in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Randomize
