I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
