So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
