Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
