I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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