Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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