hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
