My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
