Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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