would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
