He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
