She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
