I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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