Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
