Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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