Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We have started to decorate penises.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
