I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
