Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
