i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
