so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
