Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
