she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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