I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
