a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
