if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
