Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
