you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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