You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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