You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
