Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
