I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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