just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
