And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
