my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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