Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
