News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
