You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
