Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
