Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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