Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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