My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
