I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
