So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
