I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
