She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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