My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
