i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
