I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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