And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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