Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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