Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
