I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
