gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
