sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Me too!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
